Making Choices
by CavaLire
Summary: One-shot set during Requiem. Lena escaped to the Wilds to be free to choose how to live her life. But what she finally realizes is that, even in the Wilds, she has never truly been free. Will that change when she gets back to Portland?


**Disclaimer: All mentioned characters are property of Lauren Oliver.**

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Walking back to Portland is a long and painful trek. I can only wonder as to what I will find, what changes have time brought, how many people I have lost. It's for this reason that I can't bring myself to take Julian's hand when his fingers skim along my palm; a part of me wonders, hopes that maybe, just maybe Alex will have gone back. I try to remind myself that he was no longer mine to loose, but then my fingers close on the small note in my pocket. I don't know what his words meant, but I know there was still something there and I know, or at least I have finally admitted to myself, that it was always him. I have tried to love Julian, I have tried to truly give my heart and soul to him, but the truth is that I had already given them long ago. I care deeply for Julian, but I know now that I could never love him, not as I have loved and will always love Alex.

It is while these thoughts fill my mind that I suddenly take notice of my surroundings. Without even meaning to, my feet stop me dead in my tracks. Julian noticing my sudden stops, makes his way to my side. He has been working hard, helping the others, but always remains attentive of me.

"Lena, are you ok?" His concerned voice makes its way to me through the haze.

"I've been here before," I whisper, " I know where we are."

As my gaze falls back upon him, I realize that he understands exactly what this is about, who this is about. Guilt pulls at my chest and I realize: I can't do this, it's not fair to do this to him.

"Julian..." the word comes out as a whisper and I can see in his eyes that he knows exactly where this conversation is going to go.

"Lena, please don't..." but before he can finished, a commotion breaks out in front and we are pushed apart, forced to follow the current of people running to the camp that has been spotted. Everyone is hungry and thirsty and our sudden arrival at camp pushes everyone to prepare diner hastily. Light is already fading, and by the time we have all eaten the only source of light is the fire that warms the air between all of us.

Laughter fills the air. It is the effect of the group's relief of having finally made it here. Of course, each of us knows that we'll be fighting soon, but we keep this thought at bay. For tonight. But as the others are laughing, my eyes drift around, trying desperately to recall the steps I had followed the last time I was here. At some point, my mind seems to retrace our path and I'm sure that I could find his trailer again.

I wait, and when Julian finally decide to go off to bed, I let my feet guide me. Seconds pass, although time seems like a haze, and I find myself staring at his door. My hand hovers above the doorknob. I desperately want to go in, but I'm afraid of what I'll find. Alex wasn't anywhere to be seen tonight and I've lost hope of finding him again, but even if I know better, a small part of me imagines opening the door and finding him there, arms open and ready to embrace me.

Slowly I lower my hand onto the doorknob and make my way inside. All is quite, there is no light, no movement. Disappointment fills me, even if part of me knew this stillness was all that awaited me. Pushing back the tears, my eyes scan the room and I slowly make my way to the books. '_Next; fairy tales'_ he had said, and so I make my way over to the section that I think contains them. I don't know how long I've been there, reading words of _Happy ever afters_ that I would never get to know, when suddenly I hear the door swing open. Looking up I see him and even if the lights of the candles I have lit cast only shadows, I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is Alex.

"What are y - _Lena_?" His voice is full of surprise as he realizes just _who_ is sitting on his trailer floor.

"Alex!" I say as I stand. I can't believe it, I can't believe he's here. My feet push me forward, as my arms outstretch towards him. A smile spreads across my face, uncontained.

"You're ok! I was so..." Suddenly realising that there isn't suppose to be anything between us anymore, I calm myself down before continuing "I was worried about you.."

"What are you doing here Lena, where is - where are the others?" His eyes flash, and if I didn't know better, if this was my old Alex, I'd know he's thinking about Julian. But I don't know this Alex anymore, I don't know if my old Alex is anywhere in there...

"You said fairy tales were next right? After poems..." I trail of, avoiding his questions "it's funny... all these fairy tales, always talking about happy endings and whatnot." When Alex doesn't reply I continue. "Happy endings... it's kind of funny if you ask me. I mean... look at us. We came out here, looking for a happy ending... " trailing off, I finish in hushed tones "... we never got our happy ending."

"I'm sure Julian" but before he can finished I cut him off.

"Julian?" I sigh "Julian was never my happy ending."

"You seemed happy enough. Choosing him..." Alex whispers.

"I didn't though. I didn't choose." I open and close my mouth, not quite sure how to continue. "You lied to me Alex... Told me you didn't love me. That you never loved me. I knew... I knew that last part couldn't be true. I mean... you gave up everything to save me, so that I could be free, so that I could choose." I pause again, taking a deep breath. And as I try to continue, my voice fails me as my fingers wrap around the note in my pocket and I finally understand. Coming out a near whisper I manage to continue. "I didn't get it. And then I thought. I thought you just didn't love me anymore and it was easier for you to push away any hope that I could have that you still did. But that wasn't it, was it? No! You lied, you..."

"Lena, it doesn't matter..." Alex cuts me off, voice quiet and broken.

"But it does!" I'm angry now, crying "You lied! You..." I take out the note and slam it against the small table between us. "You did love me. You never stopped." And as I say it, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I understood his note correctly. I just _know_.

"Lena..." He tries cutting me off again, but I won't have it.

"And I get you trying to protect me" I continue, my voice growing louder, drowning out anything that he would say "but I don't need your protection Alex! Maybe the old Lena did, but I don't! Don't you get it? We came out here to be free, to choose how to live and who to love. But we don't choose. I've _never_ been able to choose!"

I keep going, words spilling out of me, unable to stop them or slow them "Julian was never... he was... he was a way to survive. To try to hold on. But when you came back... Don't you get that it was never even a question in my mind? I care about Julian, I do. A lot even." And even though I see Alex's face fall in the dim of the light, I continue as if nothing can stop the words pushing their way through me.

"And I thought that I could maybe even love Julian. Some day. And god, wouldn't it have been easier!? I tried, tried to force myself. But I don't! In my life, I have only ever loved one boy."

Looking at Alex, I take a breath, trying to force some sort of composure upon myself, before correcting myself and continuing "one man... It has never been Julian. And I know now that it never could be. So now, for the first time in my life. I _am_ making a choice, _my_ choice. And I choose love."

I take another small pause before continuing, unable to look into his eyes, fearing beyond anything what I might see. Maybe I was wrong? I couldn't handle it. Forcing myself to continue, I manage to croak out, in a small whisper "ball's in your court now."

And then I'm walking past him, trying to control the tears that are fighting their way to my eyes, trying to look strong even though in this moment, I feel anything but. And when I'm finally out the door and I'm sure that I _was_ wrong and that he's just going to let me walk, I feel strong hands grabs my shoulder from behind, spinning me around as his lips come crashing to mine. My mind is a haze and I can't breathe. Alex, my Alex is kissing me, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me as close as he can to his body. And when my tears start to fall, he grazes his thumbs to my cheeks, wiping away the pain.

Pulling away to look into my eyes, he whispers softly "stay with me?"

"Always."

And as he takes my hand and turns back to his trailer, guiding me with him, I stop. A feeling of guilt and dread washing over me. I know I've done the right thing, I know that this is the right choice, the only choice. But it doesn't make what I have to do any easier.

"I need to do something first" I say looking back towards the camp "he has the right to know, before anything... he deserves the truth. Even if he's always known. He needs to hear it from me. I'll be back. Ok?"

As Alex nods his understanding, I turn back to the camp, knowing I'm about to have one of the hardest conversations of my life, knowing I'm going to break another's heart. But I can't stop but being happy. Because this, Alex, is my choice. He's always been my choice.

And as Alex watches her disappear one last time in the dark, he smiles because he remembers the quiet "I love you" she whispered in his ear before turning away, and he knows, that he has always been her choice. And he wouldn't have it any other way.


End file.
